Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I wish so I can hope...

Being forced into a state where the senses are numb from the feeling of neglect is tragic. Feeling the sudden yet abrupt sensation of being inadequate is worst. When the realization that your life is so meaningless, floods your brain, it tends to overwhelm like blood gushing to a recently opened wound. I don’t even know how to make sense of this new feeling of depression. Most likely from the fact that my life is nowhere near where I wanted it to be at 20 years old. I wish I was a people’s person; someone who everybody loved. I wish I wasn’t sarcastic and cynical and sometimes downright rude. I wish my parents didn’t frown down on me because of my lack of responsibility? I don’t know why I’m such a disappointment to them. I worked so hard to get a 4.0 carrying 22 credit hours while living over an hour away from campus, working at the NAACP and trying to get as involved in as many extracurricular activities that I can find. And with that workload, I’ve somewhat disowned my friends without meaning to, allowing anytime that could be used for socializing to be replaced with studying and travel time. Yet I’m still thought of as the “stupid, irresponsible underachiever”. I wish I knew how to make them happy. I wish I cared enough to find other ways of making them happy. It’s sad that I care more about pleasing my friends than my own parents. And most times I can’t even do that. Keeping friends seems to be more of a chore than I think God intended. I wish I was the fun one who people called when they are looking for a good time. I wish I was the sensitive one who people called when they simply need a listening ear or some advice. Shoot, I wish people would just call. I wish my “best friends” knew exactly how I feel about their lives individually. I wish I wasn’t a jealous biotch who best shows her jealousy by trying to cut people from my life. I wish I could hang out with my friends who have “significant others” without me feeling like a third wheel. I sometimes wish that I would have embarked on some of the sexual ventures I could have had in the past few years. Maybe if so I would actually be in a relationship. But with that I would have to wish to not be so emotional. My biggest problem is that I am overly emotional and many people near me have no idea how sensitive I truly am. I bottle up everything with still no sign of a release in the near future. I wish I was more of an open person like some people. I wish my trust in myself was more than, or at least equal to, my trust in others. I wish I could forget about certain times in my life and truly live as if they never took place. Mostly because reliving happy moments only makes the present moments worst. I wish I was able to make people feel better. I wish I wasn’t so shy. I wish people felt that getting close to me is simple. I wish I wasn’t so naive and clueless about the “real world”. I wish I was naturally talented. I wish that seeing you happy doesn’t have to be the ONLY reason why I am happy. I wish I wasn’t so misunderstood. I hope that when I wake up tomorrow morning I will feel better.

Unfourtantly I already know that won't be the case.

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