Monday, May 4, 2009

I know I've been changed

How things change in such a short time. I was just thinking about the word “change”. It’s funny to think that when I decided to deeply ponder that term, some of the biggest changes of my life began to take place. I realize that this entire school year has been a reflection of changing times. But the one continual change that constantly leaves me confused in the change within friendships. I never thought I would be forced to question the status of my greatest bonds. The worst part is when everyone around you is noticing your bridge burning except for you. No, it’s not because of self denial that I was clueless of this sudden end. It was because the person who I swore I would be connected to told everyone else about their abrupt hatred for me, instead of telling me. I suppose I must thank the social networking site referred to as “twitter”, for successfully letting me know (in 140 characters or less) about the unfortunate demise of this particular friendship. Seeing the words, “…who I can honestly do without,” have been haunting my dreams for a while now. Not only as I sleep but as I’m constantly pulled into the world of daylight wondering. “Why do you think so little of our friendship?” would have been my responding tweet. Unfourtanttly, I fear I will never know this answer. After all the things we’ve been through, together? (Yes, I am aware that this statement has been said by many people in similar circumstances.)

From our very first interactions I knew we would at least have a friendship that could only be ended by the Lord himself. But then again why would he when ha at least knows how happy I’ve been with my friend. A joy that is escalated by simply being in your presence. A happiness that stemmed from the feeling of love we have for each other. Not the love that’s enhanced by attraction, but the love that leaves you desiring what end you’ll take to protect someone that close to you. I know how definite my love for you is. I try to show you exactly that in the things I do. You must know that I would drop everything I’m doing to be at your side, put your needs and desires before mine, no matter how fruitless I think they may be. Protect your name because in the end that’s the only thing that can not be taken from you. I would give you the clothes off my back in the coldest and most wet days. I would open my house, my room; give you my bed if I had housing of my own. When it comes to you, I pray you know that no dollar amount is a question. I would give you my last penny or any worldly possession because in the end no ounce of material can be converted to match the depth of our friendship. But my friendship for you is not solely based on what I can physically provide. I’ve always thought of myself as an emotional fortress. Someone strong enough to maintain my own feelings and to share the emotions of others, without the worry of mental overload or the fear of being forced into an emotional vegetative state. I can and will be the person who you go to for comfort, a listening ear or a gentle hug. I can offer my advice, whether good or bad, based off the realness of a situation and not the bias of self opinion. The diary in which Alicia Keys spoke of is indeed within me. I’m equipped to offer solace and condolence when even you can’t figure out why you are overwhelmed with depression. I’m always here if you need another presence in your company. Trust me; I know the feeling of writing Y-L-E-N-O-L on a car window, during the rain.

All of these things are what I can offer and friendship. I know to me it doesn’t seem like much as all but there must be something here that you can benefit from. You were right; you could honestly do without my friendship, but know that you don’t have to. The other night you told me that one of the scariest things you would have to do is grow up by growing away from what you are accustomed to. I remember telling you that moving away from people and situations that holds you back from happiness and success is necessary. Of course I never dreamed it would be directed towards me. But I completely understand that if growing means moving away from “immature college friendships,” then please allow me to take a step back. I always want what’s best for you because your happiness means so much more to me than my own. The last thing I will say is this. Although you don’t want me in your life anymore know that I’m ALWAYS here no matter what. You can say the foulest things about me. You can ignore my entire existence and tell everyone how much of a disaster I was to your life, know that no matter how much it may hurt me, I’ll be here for you whenever you need me, no questions asked no apologies needed.

Change…I never thought it would be displayed to me quite like this but then again the Lord knows what our hearts need. Until I figure out what that may be just know that I will continue to pray for you.

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