Dear June,

        It's me. Shay. You may remember me from about 31 days ago. Although the difference in time has only been  about 4 weeks or 744 hours or 44,640 minutes or 2,678,400 seconds (depending on how you look at it), some major changes have been evident all around me. Last month I was scrapping at the droppings of childhood I had left. And now that it's June I feel more mature than I did a month ago. And I've finally accepted the adult that I am.  After some deep reflection I realized that the things that seemed so important the last few years/months/days are so small when compared to the grand scheme of things. And the things and people I took so very lightly are what truly matter. A month ago I was finally beginning to think that I found good footing in the idea of living for myself. 31 days later I don't think that I understand that concept...I KNOW I do. I've mastered differentiating "living for me" from "selfishness". And I've put that knowledge into direct application. I've become a bigger person and ultimately a better person for it. I've stopped allowing my need for control to be an excuse for depression. I understand that things don't always work out the way you want no matter how much "work" you think you put into it. Life happens exactly the way it's suppose to. Everything takes place for a reason. Life's a process and I'm finally learning to love that process.

May was a life-changing month. But June....June, you will be overwhelming in an astonishing way. I'll be taking every revelation, epiphany, situation, opportunity and realization I experienced the last 31 days and make you the month I'll be excited to tell July all about.

Ideas Worth Spreading |1, pt.1

I have no idea why I haven't written about these before. Especially because 5 out of the 7 days in a week I either start or end my day watching one. Technology, Entertainment, Design or TED as it's commonly referred as, is a conference that brings together the most fascinating thinkers and doers of our world, challenging them to give about a 20min talk of their lives. It's like the quintessential moment for some of these great influential folk of our time. Where they can either sum up their lives work, offer knowledge to a vast community and most importantly share ideas with a world filled with curious souls and future world changing innovators. I believe passionately that the power of ideas can change attitudes, lives and ultimately the world...and so do they.

On my life bucket list right up there with traveling to Uganda and Sierra Leone, and being in a mosh pit at Coachella, I want to attend a TED Talk Conference. Only problem is that the conference is around $6,000 and the waiting list is EXTREME! We'll see what we can do in the future but until that registration fee becomes chump-change for me, I'll stick to watching the free talks and performances on their website.

One of my favorite writers of one of my favorite books, Eat, Pray, Love (yea I actually read the book, not just watched the movie), Elizabeth Gilbert,  luckily was able to give a Talk. For me it was very moving, inspiring and thought provoking. And above all it allowed me to challenge the way I think about the idea of creativity. She discusses how to allow it to fester and continue to flow. The talk also invites us to stop thinking that creativity and suffering are somehow linked. And to know that artistry does not always lead to suffering in the end.

Thoughts evoked by an early morning dream...

While I was growing up I wanted so much to hit the "age milestones" (10,13,16,18,21). I wanted to grow-up so fast. But now that I'm at this point in my life I want nothing more than to revisit those times for a completely different reason. There's so much I would change. So much I would cherish. So much I would have appreciated. It's not a matter of regret but more of a recognition of Missed-Moments Syndrome. There are very specific moments in my life I wish I could relive. I didn't appreciate my youth and the carefree oblivion it brought. And now I'm paying for that mistake, what seems like, everyday. As much as I try to recapture past moments- those memories, I have to accept that it will never be the same and trying to stay in/ recreate those times is borderline pathetic. I know it's time to let go, move on and savor those memories. I know I need to use these feelings of neglected past to direct my future. But it's difficult not to reminisce...The places, situations and people you have to leave behind, and allow to only remain in your memories...

Unfortunately the past sometimes looks brighter than the future.

"I Wanna Go to Marz"- John Grant feat. Midlake

Be the Change You Wish to See in This World

On my  list of 2012 New Year's Resolutions, one of the bullets said "Save the World". And I was not kidding. Although that will most likely take more than a year to even begin, there has to be a starting point. Today will be that point for me. In high school as a leader in my student government one of my biggest outreach programs was dedicated the organization called Invisible Children. If you arent aware of this organization or haven't seen the original documentary you REALLY should. Take this time to check out their latest mini documentary on the cause. Once you've seen it spread the video, discuss it with you friends and family and allow the awareness to spread until change begins to truly happen. You may feel as if it does not directly affect you but it does. It's our duty as inhabitants of this world to make sure that justice, equality and opportunities are given to those in our greater community. So with that said I present to you Kony 2012...

just a quick thought.

Why do people have the idea that you aren't allowed to petition the universe with prayer? We are all a part of the universe and we have every entitlement to participate in the actions  of the universe. So let your feelings be known. Ask for exactly what you want. Put your opinion out there. Make your case. it will all at least be taken into consideration.

#biggirlproblems

Someone let me borrow their soapbox. I have a lot to say.

I am a big girl. Say it how you will, but trust me deniel left the building aaaages ago. I've always been big...but if you look at my mother's side of the family you'll probably think it's genetic. I'm FAR from lazy and I've always been apart of physically demanding programs (dance, tennis, volleyball, marching band etc...) So at this point with my size, it is what it is. I tend to worry about and judge my inner flaws and personality way more than my physical attributes. So now that, that has been put out there let me tell you about the moment I lost faith in human kind.

This morning as I was driving to work I turned on the radio to a conversation about how "easy" women are today. Of course the feminist in me rolled my eyes, but I decided to keep listening. The topic changed from the overall promiscuity of women to that of the "Big woman". Supposedly the hosts thought that plus size women tend to be easier than smaller women. One of the guys even admitted to having went to various clubs to scout out only full figured women to take home. Supposedly, "Their self esteem is so low they are just happy to be approached." And because of the rare chance that they are sought after, they will do anything to keep the interest of this man.

This is a joke, right?

So now I'm heated on the rest of my drive to work. And right as I'm about to walk up the hill to my building this random security guard says to me,"Damn you are beautiful for a big girl. Sexy even." I wish someone could have recorded my facial expression. It was a little of this -____- and a little if this o_0 with a sprinkle of this >=( .

Was this the universe's way of telling me something? It sure felt like it.

Let me begin my rant...

Maybe I shouldn't speak for anyone other than myself, but I don't know one plus size female whos self confidence is so low that they will sleep with anything with legs or someone who will pay them a second of attention. That thought is crazy to me. I know that weight is one of the biggest points if insecurities for females and males a like. Trust me, I've had moments when I've felt like the ugly elephant in the room ( literally). It's unfortunately a common feeling for those who are considered over weight in this society. But after 22 years of being either the tallest or largest girl in a crowd I've left those insecurities in middle school were they belong. I am who I am and that's about it. Recently I've been really into healthy lifestyle choices but that is less about being a size 6 and more about seeing age 36. So when I hear that people actually think that the feeling of self worth is lower in most women who are plus size, I'm easily infuriated.

I don't care how fine you are. Unless you are Idris Elba or Musiq Soulchild (I LOVE him) you're NOT getting it on the first date....not even the 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 5th. Not only is that dangerous for me physically but mentally as well. I don't care if a guy hasn't looked my way in 3 years, just because I may converse with you when you feel compelled to approach me do not let that be any indication that I have intentions of going home with you. What happened to relationships. Boyfriend/girlfriend? Or even marriage? What type of craziness is this!? Be real. There is someone for everyone. And there is someone who will love you curves and all. If you do decide to approach me and I do not want to talk to you, PLEASE don't insult me two seconds later to your boys saying,

"Man you fat anyway!"

..................................................[allow this pause to be filled with dramatic blinking, sipping of wine, and trying to figure out when I gave a damn how you felt].............................................................You approached me, remember?

But if you do decide to speak to them, if the person you are talking to makes you feel as if they are doing you a favor by entertaining you for the moment...please tell them to have a fucking seat....and keep it moving.

I'm not one for vulgarity but come on! Even the dude who told me that I was beautiful FOR A big girl was playing all the games. Why can't I just be beautiful because I'm a women? I'm sure the intentions were well, but he could have only insulted me future if he had said, "You are beautiful for a BLACK girl." but that's a whole other post by itself...

I just want every plus size female to know that you are beautiful, and you have the right to experience relationships and love without it having to be a pity party or an "easy score". Don't allow your self worth to be questioned by ignorant people. Okay. I'm done. You can have your box back now.

"God forbid I exude confidence and enjoy sex."

I've been down for the sex-positive feminism movement for some time now. I think it really started freshman year of college. Around the time when students were able explore the more physical side of relationships without the worry of parental figures snooping around and peers putting your business all over Myspace. And even though I wasn't one of those freshman girls who brought their boyfriends back to their rooms for some afternoon delight, I still felt that sexual freedom is an essential component of women's freedom.

For us females there seems to be a tug-of-war between how we could naturally behave and how we chose to behave. It's our natural urges vs. our fear to be negatively perceived because of those urges. Sex...Safe Sex that is....can be fun, passionate and powerful. And as females that's exactly what we want. We want kisses, head and back breaking and we are well aware of the implications of accepting those terms. In most cultures if a female is known as someone who enjoys sex and what not, they are almost always automatically categorized as a slut or hoe. And don't let that female speak about the amount of sexual trysts she has engaged in! Even if the number is low and she speaks of how much she has enjoyed those few, she is still labeled faster than a can of Campbell's soup.

Of course I have to mention the double standard that is lingering in the air. Males speak of the amount of "Conquests" they have made and "Big Pimpin" starts playing in the background. It's an unfortunate reality, because these males are messing with the same "sluty" females who are adding notches under your "player belts". Why is Lil Kim a hoe but Lil Wayne the fucking man?

And another thing....Kate Middleton is probably considered quite ladylike in most of our eyes. But yet she isn't anymore appealing than Lil Kim. No one wants a goody- two- shoes but no one wants to be associated with a hoe either? So does this mean that we will only be able to attract the wanted attention from our counterparts if we find a happy median? I'm going to have to put the church finger up and exit stage left because I personally don't want to have to censor my behavior/habits because supposedly my sexual liberation gives me a bad name.

Why must it be two extremes? if you're not a virgin than you're a slut. If you like hanging out with males than you are having sex with them. If you consider your self a free spirit than you're easy. Trust me none are necessarily true. Knowing the feeling of sexual freedom will undoubtedly give you the feeling of confidence. Sex (especially from the stance of women) is still very taboo in this misogynistic society. If all of us women we're able to admit to enjoying dressing up in revealing club wear, getting male attention and wanting some good ol' get down without giving a DAMN about what anyone may think, the double standard could be demolished. You may disagree but this could potentially be considered a step towards the advancement of women kind.

Late Night Thoughts

Welcome to another installment of, "Things I know to be true"

1. I'll drop everything and move to New York to be a musician if I don't find a career by this time next year.
2. Laurie Ann Gibson scares me and no matter how good a dancer I may be I would never live in a house with her!
3. Laurie Ann Gibson thinks she has a spirit of discernment and I can't take it seriously.
4. Centino Kemp makes me want to dye my hair pink and watch a porno.
5. Ima have to strip, sell my body or become a surrogate mother to pay for this last semester at Howard.
6. I really hate competitive type television shows.
7. Sometimes... most times I wonder what people really think of me.
8. I have to have the last word.
9. Only girls from Miami can make the electric slide look ho-ish.
10. I like to be intellectually stimulated.
11. I could never live in South Carolina before the age of 50.
12. I miss DC.
13. I'm moving to England, Fall 2012.
14. I only get on twitter anymore to read @_100proof tweets.
15. I can't deal with TMI Tuesdays on Tumblr. It makes me want to throw up.
16. My cousin told me my best friend sounds good on the phone. I threw up.
17. I want to take a long walk on the beach, around dusk before I leave from down here.
18. The "child" must be mad at me since we haven't talked since the 2nd week I got to SC.
19. Centino Kemp makes me want to go to a dermatologist.
20. I would be a vegan if I didn't like chicken tenders so much!
21. I want to fall in love one day.
22. I don't want to fall in love one day.

Is there anything I'm doing brand new?

Is it wrong to be attracted to people that have qaulities that I don't? And when I say "attracted" I am talking about males as well as females. And I'm not necessarily speaking in a romantic sense. I am a big lover of friendship. I love being around my friends as much as possible. And because of that, I love being around people who embody characteristics that I admire and that I wish to obtain.

Every relationship that is dear to me only works because I feel that I am getting something out of it. NOT the materialistic, user-like something. But something that will help me be the person that I want to be. The person that I should be. The best I can be.

But because we are all human it's not surprising that there are also character traits that my friends have that aren't as positive. And that's okay! Trust me, I'm not that person who considers themselves perfect. There's a lot about myself that I am constantly discovering and constantly trying to change and develop. I have a lot of flaws and I've accepted that. Gratefully enough, not many people have had to let me know about many of those idiosyncrasies prior to my own self discovery.

As of right now I realize that some of my less desirable attributes are my rebellious spirit, how guarded I can be , how indecisive I ALWAYS am, how fleeting I've become and how prideful I want to be. But most of those are qualities I realized on my own. And now I need to figure out if the reason I haven't been "put in my place" or "been told about myself" is because my friends are trying to spare my feelings.

Maybe it's the fear of creating an awkward aura. Or maybe it's the excuse that...

"I accept my friends; flaws and all. All %100 of their personalities."

And as much as that should be the case it still doesn't cover-up the fact that it's harder now a days to get the truth from your friends. Who else but your friends should tell you when you're pulling a Drake and acting brand new? I guess people figure that it's a task that should be left to family and enemies. I personally believe that I want to hear from the people who know me best. It just seems right. Why wouldn't the people who supposedly care about me not want me to know what things I need to work on? Yes, there are those times when opinions get in the way of realitity but If you're my real friend I would hope you would be as constructive as possible.And there is of course a time, place and way of going about it. And with the most tactful and caring approach I can't see myself getting offended. Most times out of 10 I probably know what makes my comrades as well as the rest of society tick. But for those things that I may be oblivious to, I would love to know. I want my friends to help me on my search for being a person with far less negative distinctions.

But I could be alone with this thought process...I usually am.

Why this will work

It's summer time.

I'm 22.

Single.

and fun.

He's 23.

Single.

and fine.

We're both educated.

Work-aholics.

who both love Coldplay.

He has a beach house.

I love the beach.

He likes buying Disaronno.

I like drinking it.

We both haven't gotten torn dowwwwwwn in a loooooooooong time.

Besides, Taylor says it's was ok.

I want you to want me to want you.

Ever heard of the "honeymoon period"? I'm not necessarily speaking of marriage. Any stage of a relationship applies. It's the time in a "relationship" or the starting up of one, where everything is peachy. When you realize that the person who you are currently talking to is your idea of perfect. Everything that is going on between the two of you makes it seem like you can't live without each other. Every single quirk, nook and cranny of that individual makes them the moon to your sun. You feel like this is the person that you could spend the rest of your life with. Yep, all is well in paradise...and then you decide to make that commitment to each other and then the "comfortable period" sets in.

The time where you each know (what you think) is everything about that person. You begin to fall into either two categories. You either realize that those quirks you thought were "cute" at the beginning of the relationship aren't very cute anymore. They're more like annoying as hell. Or you fit into the 2nd category where not-so-good information, you should have known about the other person, starts to surface. And with us falling into one of the two (or both) categories we realize that the person who we were so wrapped up in is not who we originally fell for.

So let's go back to that "honeymoon period". It's really a game. Some play it better than others. I for one am pretty sucky at it (which is surprising because I'm usually the queen of games). I'm not good at making myself seem better than what I'm really am. I'll call it my open and honest personality, although some may disagree with me, lol. I think the reason why I fail so much at this dating scene is because I'm never good at creating a "fantasy me". You know what I'm talking about. When you meet someone who you are interested in you either tell/show them that you have the qualities that they are looking for (even when you obviously don't have them) or you lie to fit the mold you think they may want.

Call it being fake if you want. But sometimes it's that harmless smoozing that forces you

into a place where you must be on your best behavior. It's when we smarten ourselves up, for the hopefully successfulness of our relationship.

And to tell you the truth I like it when guys do that. When they are on their best behavior at the start of the relationship. Of course I'm hoping that the best of them carries on throughout the relationship in it's entirety. But I do like the idea that someone is doing the most to impress me.

The idea that you put your not-so-cute habits on the back burner just so you can have the opportunity to be with me is flattering. A guy with a clean act shows me that you care enough to try and make me want to get with you. I don't know why that is. Maybe I'm not that big of a fan of the chase. I guess I don't get off on the hard to get types. I like the easy??? Is that weird, for this time in my life? I know my friends and peers, especially females, are more content when a dude is treating them like they don't exist. I dunno why, but it's an epidemic for females my age.

But of course I'm always on a different page than everyone else. I know the consequences of having someone build up an optimum personality to win me over. More times out of ten, it leads to surprises and heartbreak down the road. But for some reason I don't care. I want you to want me to want you. And if that means you have to put on a tie, gel down the hair and clean under the fingernails to do that...so be it.

Allow the honeymoon to commence.

Labels are for soup cans....

So during this winter break I’ve watched much more TV than I have since I’ve been in college. Seriously if you know me you know that all I watch is Psych and Glee (on Hulu) and the occasional cooking network and Disney channel. I didn’t even realize that our house changed from Dish to Comcast 2 weeks ago. Sooooo that means goodbye Cooking Network (depressed! So much better than Food Network) and hello Logo! Yup the channel devoted to the LGBT community is now on non-stop if I’m near a television. It all started when I realized that they were having a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon New Year’s weekend. Yeah I loved the show, ever since elementary school I use to watch it with the folks. But that’s not what this is about. When the marathon was over I started watching some other shows and movies. I just wanted to see if they were good or not. And most of them were. I especially liked this movie titled, “The Gymnast”. It was about a women name Jane, who after an injury had to stop competing for the Olympics. She then decides to use her talent to become an aerial performer. She meets a lesbian performer named Serena, who then becomes her training partner and sure enough they begin to fall for each other. The problem is, is that Jane is married to a male and even though they are having their own problems she feels obligated to try and work it out with him. Of course in the end she leaves him and goes off to be with Serena and I’m sure they lived happily ever after….

So this brings me to the topic of this post. But before I get into it let me throw this background together, because I don’t want anyone to have the wrong idea. I am the most open, accepting and affirming person you’ll ever meet. And I have been since I can remember. Yes even before my ruthless environment change from super small country town to DC, one of the largest gay cities in America. And before my acceptance into Howard University, one of the gayest campuses I know. (And that’s said with as much respect and honest truth that I can muster. We have a very large LGBT community. Yeah a lot of it is closeted but regardless...) and I’m always interested in learning as much as I can about the LGBT community, especially since I find myself so deeply absorbed. (Not a bad thing at all!)

But anyway, I look at the case of the women from the movie. I’m really talking about Jane. I really wish I could know her inner thoughts. I wish I could have seen her life spanned out from early childhood until where she was at 43-years old. (Yeah I know it’s impossible with an hour and a half TV movie.) I guess I’m wondering if she was really a lesbian or bi-sexual or if she had an undeniable connection with that one, particular woman. It didn’t stress if she had ever found women attractive prior to meeting Serena but I guess it wasn’t relevant. What was relevant was that she fell in love with this woman and she had to be with her. I wonder how often this happens in real life.

It shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that the percentage of women who publicly identify as bi-sexual or lesbians has raised a great amount within this last decade. Maybe it’s because females are feeling more comfortable coming out in this day and time. Maybe it’s because males have increasingly effed up more now than in the past. (hehehe) Maybe it’s just a trend. I’m not sure. What I do know is that people are putting a great emphasis on sexuality these days. And some people feel as if putting labels on it will help those understand it more. Trust me; I’m not the type of person who needs an explanation on how “titles” and “definitions” are only relevant if you personally buy into them but sometimes I do have to wonder….

Is it possible to live the majority of your life interested in the opposite sex and then one person changes everything? For 42 years Jane thought she was straight but then as she got closer to one person she changes her sexuality completely. Does it happen that fast? Can it truly happen without prior inkling to that person, that they’re gay?

What is sexuality? If I’m emotionally attracted to a female am I immediately labeled as gay? Or is sexuality just defined by who you want to have sexual relations with? I guess that makes the most sense, right? But how about those people who define themselves as LGBT and have not had a sexual encounter with anyone male or female but are attracted to everything else about a particular person? They aren’t yet interested in what they are working with below the belt but they are very much intrigued by their choices, their actions, their knowledge, their perceptions, their attitudes, their opinions, their ideologies and their points of view. Or how about if that same person identifies with being straight? Which thinking is correct?

Well I don’t honestly believe that there can be a right or wrong answer. It’s all depends on how that individual recognizes themselves. But is it wrong to wonder? And even though no one wants to honestly say that they are judgers or that they are labelers, we all do it. Maybe not so vocally, but we do place people into categories as vague as male/females, black/white/other, young/old, etc…

I’m not trying to necessarily find any particular answer to anything. I don’t think there is one. There are way too many variables including the fact that every human being is different and thinks differently, to have a definite answer to anything concerning sexuality (well in my opinion that is). But I just wanted to bring to light something that I have thought about. And of course this isn’t even restricted to females. I only focused in on them because of the characters from the movie.

So let me know what you think. I;m not trying to sound ignorant. I'm simply curious. I’m honestly interested in everyone’s opinions and thoughts. I’m sure you can give me some insight and understanding!

"Wait till I steal yo man, bitch!"

[If you've watched every episode of Noah's Arc, like I have, you'll know exactly where that qoute surfaced...but this isn't about those type of people (trouble seeking women that is)...]

Where are the songs about “the other woman”? How many times do we hear songs about the deception that a spouse or partner brings into the relationship? Countless times, actually. It always speaks on the devastation/anger/confusion that is felt when someone finds out about the unfaithfulness of the partner. We even hear the opinions and feelings of the person who did the cheating, more and more these days. (see; Trey Songz- "Last time") But how often do we hear about the feelings of the person who is considered the home wrecker?

Yes I’m speaking of the Alicia Keys and the Fantasias out there. As I try to understand the mind-set of the cheat-er and the cheat-ee, I have to also evaluate the third party. The “skank” (as you call her) who knew your man was taken but thought it was alright to plunge into the pool of deception as well.

It’s arguable that Love is the most powerful emotion that one can feel. And because Love supposedly conquers hate, greed, pride and envy, it’s not very surprising that a woman won’t let go of a relationship even if that person is committed to someone else. They say you can’t help who you love, and I guess I agree. A woman who involves herself in a relationship with a taken man can’t really be faulted. Is it really her fault that she fell for someone who appeals to her just like he appealed to his girlfriend/wife? Most times out of 10 those women are clueless of the “not-available” sign that should be hanging from a man’s head. Men are probably the biggest deceivers known to mankind, and are far from honest when they enter the dating stages of a relationship. So even if the "other woman" finds out that he’s tied-up, so to speak, it’s near impossible to switch romantic feelings for him off right away.

Of course it’s strongly advised that the "other woman" take a step back from the cheater. We’ve all heard, “If he cheated on her, he will most likely cheat on you.” But is that always true? Sometimes a man just honest to goodness grows apart from his titled companion. Shit happens. And unfortunately shit happens between two people frequently. Sometimes gents and gals alike find someone who just has more of the same common interests as they do. I’m not talking about sexual interest either! You may have done nothing at all but that chick who he considers to be slightly more ride or die may just come into the picture. She didn’t take your man…ok well she sorta did…but she probably wasn’t thinking, “I can be a better girlfriend” when she did. Not that I’m condoning cheating. Because if it ever gets to that point I would want him to break-up with me before he sneaks around with someone else. But as for the "other woman", why must she be faulted for gaining his interest?

My good-feelings towards the “other woman” do not extend to those who seek taken males and use their “skanky” (there goes that word again) ways to win their hearts (or penises). I’m talking about those honest, good women who really fall in love with hooked-up men. I feel for you. Sometimes you’re the victims. Unable to break those emotional ties. You shouldn’t always be considered home wreckers. Although I’ve never been in that position myself, I really do feel for you…

I'll pray for you all and even pour libations to you “other women”….... *insert pouring liquor on the graves of our ancestors here.*

The hunt...cougar style

First order of business; I had no idea that anyone really read this. I mean I secretly hoped, but I think I much rather have been oblivious. lol. I really only write on here because I need a diary of sorts that is NOT a social networking giant (ie, twitter, facebook.) I like to express my random ass thoughts. But recently random folk are telling me that they’ve been following me. I’m not sure how I feel. I guess slightly embarrassed that my peers/friends see me in my most ridiculous and vulnerable setting or kinda giddy that I have an audience. Oh well. Ima keep posting fuckery either way. So if you’re Ariel, Taylor, Ryan, Courtney, Anna, Jessica, Isaiah or G-D, #shoutouts for making me feel all self conscious. I do appreciate it =D

Anyway…Have you ever considered becoming a cougar? I’ve never thought much on the idea of age when dating until recently. I’m not sure if I’m even old enough to have cougar-like thoughts. Anyone’s that’s remotely younger than me would be a teenager and that’s simply out of the question. I refuse to cradle rob anyone who’s classified as “barely legal”. I’m about to graduate from college; you from high school? That’s NOT going to work! But if you’re one of my “late birthday” friends and you’re a junior in college and you’re about to turn 20…I guess I can give you a chance, if your maturity spans far above your show size (unless you’re Shack wearing like a size 33 or something). In the past I stayed very far away from guys 2+ years older than me. I’m not sure why I felt that it was so inappropriate at the time. But now (insert term for “male cougar”) can be a very appealing thought. Of course they have to be WAY WITHIN the boundaries.

Those old, nasty men who sit at the bus stop and/or outside those gross takeout restaurants waiting for you to pass so they can lick their lips and say, “Hey, miss lady,” in your direction, do NOT count. You can be looking incredibly unattractive at the moment and they still feel entitled to holler (literally!) One day when I was walking pass one of those take-out establishments the hollering began…continued…and ended with a 50ish-year old man telling me that he had a nice surprise, that only a woman my size can handle. What I’ve gathered after many similar scenarios is that a. Old men like big girls and b. Crusty old men LOVE big girls. I don’t know why but they feel it’s acceptable to “reel me in” with references to how much they appreciate my weight. I should still be a 21 year old GIRL in their eyes. That’s like my father telling me that he wants me! FUCKERY!

But if we chop the age down by 30 years I think I can be accommodating. A mysterious 27 year old, established, “young” man with mental and physical drive (I’m talking about a vehicle, sickos!) is looking like the move! That mystery man can rob my cradle anytime. That sounded very wrong….I’m okay with that. lol!

But can I be an established woman with a younger man interested in pursuing something with me? IDK….it seems unrealistic. Can he brag about me to their friends as I would brag to my girlfriends about 27 year old mystery man? If he did I would probably be the Courtney Cox of real life. Prime time entertainment for real. Damn double standards! Oh well I’m not planning on dating anyone younger than me anyway. I’ll stick to dreaming of my 27 year old man. It will probably be better for me anyway.

The Friend Zone

As I sit here listening to J*Davey and drinking some Cream Soda, one of my favorite guy buddies (lol) stops by the house.

We sit down on the bed and discuss everything that college students discuss and when I tell him I’m about to get ready to go out with this guy name Rondell, (who I almost jumped up and down in front of when he asked me on a date) his whole demeanor changes. I wouldn’t have thought anything about playing 20 questions about Rondell’s life until he started making those obvious jealous comments…let’s see how it panned out…

1^st. He began by criticizing our date location/plans. If you’re from the DC area I think you’d agree with me when I say that eating at Sequoia in Georgetown and taking a walk along the

waterfront, in the middle of the summer, is actually a splendid idea for a date. So the fact that he pointed out that he thought I was worth taking somewhere better was very flattering (and in any other circumstance exactly what I want to hear) but come on son! I can see bad reasoning from a mile away.

2^nd. I told him where he was from and what school he attends and he laughed? He’s from Maryland and he goes to the University of the District of Colombia. Granted it’s not Harvard or even Howard. And although the joke of it being DC’s 4-year community college is city wide, at least he’s getting an education. Not to mention the fact that being from MD does not make him a “local”. Did he forget that I’m from MD too? This isn’t looking good for you son!

3^rd. When I asked him if guys made any mental notes about what females wear on their first date he replied, “Not really. Wear whatever you like. Guys want to see you looking comfortable because otherwise it looks like you’re trying way too hard. Just wear some jeans and a T.” I can admit that I haven’t done a lot of dating in my time but that didn’t even sound right. I think me showing up in sweats and a wife beater is probably not going to go over too well with my date (or the 3-star restaurant we will be eating dinner at.) This is turning into a muthafuccinwrap!

4^{th (and finally)}. I told him that his last girlfriend was of 2-years and that’s when all Hell broke loose. He told me I was just a rebound girl and I should probably stay clear of him. He suggested that we just be friends because he could just be using me as revenge, a “pussy replacement” or a human rehabilitation center. This is when all flags were up and I knew we were embarking upon the outer limits of…”The Friend Zone.”

I have accepted the fact that guys just want friendship out of me. My ex-bff told me it was because they didn’t want to have to lose me from their life. And I believed him. Whether that was true or not, it’s always been easier for me to instantly become friends with the opposite sex before I decide to have a romantic interest in them. Only quite recently has that slightly changed. Maybe it’s because I feel comfortable in “The Friend Zone.”

Maybe I should explain what that is…

There is a place within every female/male friendship that is called “The Friend Zone.” It’s great to have those relations were its strictly platonic between a women and a man. But if both parties aren't aware that they are both respectively placed in “the friend zone,” situations like the above will leave someone confused and the other pissed off and/or upset. You have to know what’s ok in “the friend zone.”

*Expect to call and be called homies/buddies/bffs/besties/etc…

*Changing plans is fine as long as it’s not continual or because they made plans with a potential boy/girlfriend

*Expect to talk about the other’s love life. You’re there to do the best friend thing where advice is always given.

*Text/phone call conversations can range from 3min to 3 hours with no fuss.

*Pecks on the lips/cheeks/hands are appropriate and mean only affection shown by friends

*It’s acceptable to say, “I love you” with no worries of the depth of the statement.

*If one of you are gay…it works better. (#kanyeshrug)

Like the Twilight Zone, “the friend zone” is nearly impossible to escape, and you don’t want to be caught in “the zone” by yourself. A mutual understanding is more than necessary. The only way to NOT be caught in it is if the person you are crushing, realizes that you were the one they wanted all along (comparable to the movie, Maid of Honor’s, storyline.)

I could be wrong about this one but I have a feeling my friend has fallen out of “the friend zone” and I’m not quite sure how I should embrace that. If I’m right I guess I should try and explorer this (which of course leads to a whole new set of problems. (To

o many to explain in this post.) Or maybe I should Trinity kick his behind back into the Matrix, where things are less confusing and much easier for me to handle.

Tell them that it's human nature

Is it normal for someone to feel hatred, sadness, confusion and yet love all at the same time? It’s recently hit me that there are most definitely certain situations that cause for what you are feeling at the time to overtake your cardinal, placed emotions. One moment you are fascinated and attached to a particular person or situation and then when something changes, your initial reaction can get the better of you and you tend to quickly drop the positive energy you once had for the situation. And for the longest time I thought that was the only and yet the most normal outcome. But most recently I’ve realized that it’s harder to suppress those primary emotions.

Once you settle into a situation, especially when it deals with a person, it’s easy to get caught up in the moment. It’s easy to forget that one day the comfort and familiarity of that person or circumstance can easily change. So when it comes to that moment when the peachy-keenness leaves the building people tend to be conflicted with what stance they are suppose to take. The love and happiness that you once felt seems to take the forefront and the anger and misery you briefly felt is pushed to the back burner. Although you may have moved on from the ill moment, unconsciously you still feel those negative emotions. And if for any reason a repeat of confliction appears, you will natural have those negative feelings, but it’s not uncommon for you to relapse again…

Why does this happen? Why when you KNOW something or someone isn’t necessarily good for you it’s so hard to move on? The only answer I can conjure is that most humans have a problem letting go of a good thing. If at one point in time something was positive why couldn’t it return to that state? People trend to use the excuse that everything/everyone goes through trials and tribulations, but even with all problems they are outweighed with the positive that at one point of time was present.

Much more pondering on this is needed. Until then, I don’t know maybe “she wants that old thing back...”

smooth sailings...

When you hear the word “friendships”, you ideally think positive. (Like such references to laughter, support, cooperation and altruism.) But like everything else, it has a dark side (envy, bitterness and manipulation.) You expect your friends to celebrate and support your success and when they don’t, it leaves you bewildered, angry and confused. I don’t believe that this is because they aren’t really your friends at all. Just like a romantic relationship you go through your highs and lows. You even face times of separation that can possibly show you how much you truly miss/need them. Every relationship can’t just be about the good. So this leaves me thinking- how do we navigate the negatives of friendship? Are you friends only with those who you think are equal with you? And when this balance starts to change, is the friendship in trouble? And are you only friends when the sea is “smooth sailings”? Do you drop the title when you feel that rifts have permanently severed your ties?

Sing it Bey!

Is it thanksgiving yet? Actually skip that, is it Christmas yet? I’m soooooo done with this semester. This has been the most trying time of my life. Every time I seem to figure out a solution to some problem another one just comes out of nowhere until eventually problem after problem adds up and I’m taking shots thru a whole bottle of Vanilla Smirnoff by myself. I’m facing the sickness of my blackberry, the homicide of my car, the suicide of my friendships and the disappearance of my scholarships. Yea it’s hard times. Anyways I’m ready to start a new year. 2009 has been in total= Super Sucky. But I have a feeling, a strong uncontrollable feeling that 2010 is going to be my year. Not only because I’ll be 21, but because I know that I’ll be on my grown women grind (lol). I’m so ready to be the “go-to” person for any and all things social, education related and especially dealing with my career. I’m ready to graduate, and most importantly move farrrrrrrr away from this city and from its’ people. I do love DC, don’t get me wrong, but I’m starting to get sick of the people at Howard. And the worst part is that it’s not even people I randomly run into, it’s the people who’ve I known for the last 3 years. There’s people who I must continue to give the *side eye* to. In the past it was so easy for me to open up and trust everyone who gave me 2 seconds of their time. Unfortunately this has hurt me in the worst way possible. Choosing to slack on my screening process has most definitely left me feeling deeply betrayed. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was people who I could care less about but the “guilty folk” are those who at one time I consider closes to me.

So yea now I’m all hurt, blah blah blah….and I’m ready to get the fuck out of this house and especially out this city….ok so not permanently but just for a week or so…I just need a break from everyone (well mostly everyone.) I feel overly stressed and worn out and underappreciated all the time. I mean maybe I’m just being dramatic….naw I take that shit back. I’m actually holding my real feelings back soooooo much more than I should be. After everything that’s happened to me recently I should be livid! But I’ma chill shawty. Cause that’s the best advice I can take! I’m not quite bitter but I’m getting there. If I just remember that Beyonce said it best then I’ll be fine.

Me, myself and I. That’s all I got in the end. That’s what I found out. And it ain’t no need to cry. I took a vow that from now on I’m gonna be my own best friend.

The spy who shagged me...

I have the fluuuuuuu. No it's not H1N1, just that good old garden variety, sesonal flu. Give me tll Friday. I'm sure I'll be fine then.

In other news....

It’s another day in the world of Shay and although socially and academically I’m on top of my game, I’ve realized that I’m once again losing motivation. (Of course this being the terrible condition that I seem to unfortunately face every semester). It’s just sad because I had every intention of being top shiz this year. I mean my workload has doubled (tripled if you compare it to what I did freshman year). I still have a job (surprisngly). I started joining organizations that not only opened doors to networking opportunities but also opened the door to new friendships as well.

On the outside everything looks pretty great. But let us not be fooled by the awkward appearance of perfection. Not one person who I’ve recently encountered is completely happy with the way things are headed this time in the semester. I wonder is that because of the heap of school work or the lack of interaction between friends. Everyone just seems to have lost their mojo. And at this crucial time in the semester, it is crazy to think that the majority of the student body (including myself) is simply depressed.

The sooner the end of this semester comes the sooner my GPA will be back on point. The sooner I’ll be in some real classes. And yes the sooner to Independence and Adulthood! (feb. 2nd can't come sooner...hello 21!!) I’m more than ready for 2010. This year everything was about the beginning process of change. But in 2010 I expect some big differences. Among them are: saying good bye to them good old teenage years, the downfall of a slowly building republican nation, either refining a relationship or starting to truly jump into that dating scene, and finally being exactly where I want to be academically.

It’s a shame that everyone is going from “just live your life” to “can we just end this life?” in a matter of minutes. My goodness November…can you hurry and end already. And if not can you please replenish the mojo you thought so necessary to steal at a time like this? I can only imagine what finals will be like. Not Shagadelic in the slightest.

OCTOBURR!

I love the autumn season! I love the month of October even more! It’s my favorite month of the year (followed closely by February since it’s the month of my birth) This October is guaranteed to be a great one. Starting with the Maxwell concert tomorrow (insert moans, panties dropping, and wetness) and ending the month with my favorite holiday, Halloween. In between those two events will be Howard University Homecoming, Jay-Z concert, mad amounts of random fun, parties, lots of homework, cardigans and boots, and moments where I stop and look at the colors change. I’ve always thought of October being a sinister month. I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s because in literary symbolism, fall has always represented death. Maybe it’s the preparation for Halloween. Whatever it is, I’ve always felt connected to the month. Dark and mysterious, just like me! Ha ha anywayyy…

I’m making jerk chicken and listening to Muse, one of my favorite bands EVER. They definitely helped mold my high school career, for sure. And their new album, The Resistance, is a reflection of my current life. The British have given us a few great things: The Spice Girls, Harry Potter, Coldplay, Robert Pattinson and Muse. Each of those things I keep close to my heart.