Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Dimensions of myself

I know it's only September. The year still has roughly four months left. I know, I know. But I was really thinking of where I've been and how far I have come since this time last year. It's funny because September 8, 2009 I was happy. And exactly one year since then... I am happy. But within those 365 days my mindset, goals, wants and personality has not only changed but actually developed. Of course this is mostly due to the ups/downs and tribulations of this pass year. This time last year I marked it as "the new chapter in my life." I had just moved out, I was starting junior year, I was heading some major organizations, I enjoyed Wasted Wednesdays, Thirsty Thursdays, Fucked-up Fridays, Sizzled Saturdays...etc. I hardly studied, always wanted to party, and wanted to be grow and sexy without looking towards the responsibilities. I just wanted to have fun without any consequences. But of course consequences came regardless. My wanting to act grown and belligerent left me losing my morals, members of my family, my car, my apartment, my reputation, my best friend. This next year I want so much more for myself. I want to go back to the tamer me. Not the "push over", "people pleaser" me. the confidant, self-respecting me. I also don't want to be the bitch that people could possibly take me as. I want to work on my authenticity this year. I want to be trustworthy and genuine when I decide to help someone. I want to help them because I honestly want to and not because I feel pressured or responsible to do so which leads me to not wanting to take on more that I can handle. I need to learn to say "No" when I know I have too much on my plate, already. I can't possibly do everything and make time for myself. I want to meet new people and see those friendships/relationships through. I want to get to know everyone beyond surface level. Especially if it takes me out of my comfort zone completely to do so. If someone makes me upset and uncomfortable I want to be able to tell that person without either party getting even more upset. As an adult I want to handle situations maturely. I would love to fall in love. I want the love to be genuine and mutual I've never truly felt it and would love to experience it. I've liked and messed with a few guys over this past year and none meant anything. I really want something that's real. I want to be mindful of my physical as well as mental health and beauty. Knowing that I'm doing the best for me (whether that includes eating correctly/ looking my best, getting plenty of sleep...then so be it. I want to in my faith. I want to be able to tell anyone about my love for the Lord with no hesitation. I want to be spiritually fed while I seek a stronger personal relationship with God. I want to be able to put full faith into him without a single hesitation or doubt that he will provide and be there for me. And finally I want to challenge myself in all of my gifts and crafts. I've blamed Howard for so long, to why I've lost my motivation and passion for music. But I'm starting to realize that it's been me who has halted my own growth as a musician and future music educator. I've been lazy and lethargic when it comes to my education, especially in the practical sense. I leave things for chance and I haven't had the self motivation. One of my friends told me that in going on four years, since I've been in school, I have yet to play/sing for him or anyone else for that matter. I've shown no one my skills (unless you are in class with me). I pray that within this year I can explore the beauty of music and all that it entails. I want to have more focus and direction. More Passion for everything I am a part of. I have a vision for the next 365 days and the only person who can hold me back is me!

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